How to Let Go When You Want to Hang On: 7 Tips for Moving Forward

Like most people, you really believed your marriage was going to be forever. You thought you would beat the odds. But you didn’t. It’s over. You know it in your head. But your heart just can’t seem to adjust. No matter what you do, you can’t figure out how to let go.

Letting Go in Divorce is HARD!

Whenyour marriage ends, so does your intimate relationship with your spouse. That’sheartbreaking.But in divorce you lose so much more than just your spouse.

When you getdivorced, you lose your partner, your lover, and sometimes your best friend.You lose at least half of your net worth, maybe your financial security,possibly your home, and probably your lifestyle. You lose a big chunk of timewith your kids. Most likely, you also lose a bunch of your friends.

More than any of that,when you get a divorce you also lose your identity. You are no longer a marriedperson. You are no longer somebody’s husband or wife. Your role and your futurebecome instantly fuzzy.

As if all of thatweren’t enough, when you get a divorce you probably lose one of your biggestlife dreams, too. Like most people in our society you probably dreamed of living“happily ever after” with your spouse.

When you get a divorce, your happily ever after ends.

Why is Letting Go So Hard?

The other reason that letting go after divorce is so incredibly hard is that ending a marriage stirs up a tsunami of negative emotions!

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It goes withoutsaying that you’re sad and upset that your marriage is over. But you also may beangry at your spouse for treating you the way s/he did. You may be hurt by yourspouse’s cheating or embarrassed by some of his/her bad behavior.

You also probably feel like a failure. After all, you couldn’t make your marriage work. So you must be a failure, right? (WRONG! Being divorced does NOT mean you’re a failure!)

As if all of that wasn’t enough, you also probably feel a lot of blame, shame, and sorrow. You blame yourself for not trying harder. You shame yourself for not being good enough. And, you feel sorry for yourself and your kids for not having the perfect family.

With all of thoseheavy emotions dragging you down, it’s no wonder that you can’t figure out howto let go!

Taking Stock of Where You’re At

You can’t let go ofyour past until you know where you’re at right now.

If your spouse justtold you that s/he wanted a divorce last week, it’s unrealistic to expectyourself to be ready to let go and move on today. That’s especially true if youwere married for a long time.

You can’t even startto get over your ex until you give yourself the time to properly grieve the lossof your marriage.

What’s more, grief doesn’tfollow a rigid timeline. Different people process grief differently. Justbecause someone you know was able to “get over” his/her divorce in just a fewmonths does not mean that you can do the same.

That having beensaid, though, you can take grief too far. If your divorce has been over for years and you’re still pining awayafter your ex (or you’re still spitting mad or totally devastated) that’s nothealthy!

The bottom line isthat “letting go” takes time. Trying to rush through the process just so thatyou don’t feel the pain of where you’re at right now, NEVER works. It actuallymakes letting go much harder.

Motivating Yourself to Let Go

Assuming you’re readyto let go, the first step in learning how to let go after divorce is tounderstand what’s holding you back in the first place.

Obviously, you knowthat you need to let go of your ex. (And, just in case you don’t, everyone inthe world will remind you that you do!)

You realize that youcan’t move on with your life until you let go of your past. You also realizethat hanging on to your spouse after you’ve been divorced for years is wildlyunhealthy.

The last thing youwant is to be that person who still has their wedding pictures hanging in thebedroom years after their divorce!

At the same time,knowing that you should let go is dramatically different from actually beingable to let go.

If you find yourself struggling to let go of your ex, try asking yourself these questions:

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Questions to Ask Yourself When You Want to Let Go, But Can’t

Ifit is, great! Chances are, though, if you’re still obsessing over your ex longafter your divorce is over, your life isn’t nearly as great as it could be.  

1. Is your life where you want it to be right now?

Think about how your life would change if you let go of your grief, sadness, and anger.  What is hanging on to your ex costing you?

Are you happy?

2. What are you gaining by holding on to the past?

Nomatter how painful hanging on is, if you can’t let go, you’re getting somebenefit from hanging on. I know that may be hard to believe. But if you weren’tgetting some emotional benefit from holding on, you wouldn’t cling to the pastlike a passenger on the Titanic clinging to a lifeboat.

Maybehanging on makes you feel secure. Maybe it makes you feel like your ex maystill come back (… in spite of all evidence to the contrary!). Or, maybe hangingon gives you a story to tell.   

Once you understand what you’re getting by holding on, you will also understand better what you need to do to let go.

3. What will you gain if you let go?

There’san old proverb that says you can’t fill a cup that’s already full. Hanging onto the past gives you no room to create something new and beautiful in thefuture.

Whatcould you have in your life if you were willing to let go of your ex? Would youstart a new life? Find a new love? Get a better job?

Ifeven thinking about those things terrifies you, are you surprised that you don’twant to let go?

Once you understandyour reasons for holding on, you’re ready to tackle step #2: Learning how tolet go.

7 Tips for How to Let Go

1. Grieve your loss.

You can’t let go offeelings you still haven’t allowed yourself to feel. There is no short cut.

You’ve got to letyourself be sad, mad, disappointed, and everything else that you feel. Thelonger you stuff those feelings down and pretend they don’t exist, the longerthey will stay with you. Like it or not, the only way out is through.

2. See a therapist.

If you want to workthrough your feelings more efficiently, work with a therapist. S/he can helpguide you through your pain and problems. A good therapist can also help youunderstand the role that you played in the demise of your marriage and forgiveyourself.

Taking responsibility for your actions and forgiving yourself (and your spouse) for what happened in the past is an essential step in working through your feelings so you can move on to a better future.

3. Project where you want to be in 3 – 5 years.

According to Sasha Von Varga, a licensed clinical social worker whospecializes in psychotherapy, mediation and Collaborative Divorce, creating avision of the future can help you let go of the past.

Ask yourself, what would have to change in order for you to be able to get to where you want to be?  (HINT: Make sure that whatever has to change is something under your control. Trying to go backward in time and un-do your divorce, or change your ex, is not going to work.)

4. Make an “Expectation Box.”

If you’re still angryor upset about your divorce, chances are those feelings are coming from yourunmet expectations.  Maybe you expected your spouse to treat youdifferently. Or maybe you think s/he “should” have tried harder. Hanging on tothose unmet expectations is a big part of the reason why you can’t let go andmove on.  

To deal with yourunmet expectations, visualize yourself placing those expectations in abeautiful box in your mind.  Close thelid. Know that you can examine those expectations whenever you want to see ifthey still serve you.  Know, too, that youcan consciously change those expectations, or let them go, whenever you’reready. There is no pressure. Your unmet expectations will be in your “box”until you let them go.

5. Be Honest With Yourself.

If you’re torturingyourself about letting go of your marriage because it “wasn’t that bad,” STOP!Spend an afternoon remembering what your relationship was really like.  Itwasn’t perfect.

Remember the hard times, and the bad times. If you were blindsided by divorce because you thought your marriage was fine, but your spouse didn’t, be honest about that! Clearly, your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was. Maybe your spouse wasn’t the person you thought s/he was. Do your best to take off the rose-colored glasses and see your marriage for what it was.

6. Clean Your Space.

If your home isfilled with mementos from your marriage, get rid of them! You don’t have tothrow them out. Just put them away so that you don’t have to see them all thetime. (If your kids want to keep pictures of their other parent around, letthem keep them in their room.)

Once you’re done, buy yourself a few new things. Re-arrange the furniture. Paint the walls. Re-claim your space so that it reflects your new life.

7. Visualize Life on Your Terms.

If you could createwhatever life you wanted (without your ex!), what would it look like? See that.Feel that. Let yourself dream.

If you can’t imaginewhat kind of life you want, think about the life you had before you weremarried. Think about the things you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet.Maybe you want to travel. Maybe you’ve always wanted to write a book or paint amural. Start working on those things. Even if you only take one small stepforward, that’s okay. Baby steps count.

Be Patient

All of these tips canhelp you gradually let go of your pain and your past. But, they’re not magic.

It’s not as if youcan say to yourself, “Okay. Now I’m going to grieve the loss of my marriage.Then I’ll be done. Forever.” Human beings just don’t operate that way!

No matter what youdo, or how hard you try, you’re going to go back and forth with yourself. Somedays you’ll feel better. Other days, you’ll feel like all you’ve been doing isspitting in the wind.

Don’t give up.

You didn’t get towhere you are today in just one day. You’re not going to get to where you wantto go in just one day either.

If you mess up, andyou find yourself balling your eyes out over some romantic comedy you knew youshouldn’t have watched, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. Let yourself cry.

Just don’t letyourself do the same thing tomorrow.

Letting go is aprocess. It takes time. But you can do it. Your heart will heal. You will goon. When you do, you will open yourself up to loving and finding love again.

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This post was originally published on October 5, 2017, and updated on September 25, 2019.

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